Healing The World - an essay on hope,love and coffee

Few days back, a friend of mine asked me, why do people love when they are not sure if it’s going to last or not, (most times it doesn’t though fortunately/unfortunately). And even though my friend’s question had a point, that point seemed to be in the blind spot of most people I saw. Because everybody was in the mission for love and nothing seemed to hinder the life-straining-tear-ducts-drying pursuit for the One, (or two, maybe three, I don’t know). This hara-kiri endeavor makes me wonder, is a human so fragile and incapable as a solitary entity and feels complete only with the company of another one, and not just anybody, the special branded one. I know human being is a social animal, but this current attitude of desperately-seeking-love seems to limit the social exchange between only two.

Now don’t think I am here to advocate love and preach it’s all mighty power to heal the world and so on so forth. I am trying to see if my theory does make any sense or not Honestly speaking there is nothing new to talk about it. If you are alive then you have felt love once at least.  Love is like a more complex stylish and miniature version of life, very much conditions applied. It’s the hot bath at the end of the day to release those knots on your back. It sometimes even is the morning coffee, (which I believe is the best discovery of man till date, how bland the world would have been without chocolates). Its like the first bite of sandwich after a whole day without food. (yum) So coming back to the question, why love when there is no telling when it goes poof? Sure the morning coffee and the hot bath (even a foot massage) sounds great, but they are not going anywhere till I want to. But love is beyond that restriction. Then why indulge in the self suffering and constant anxiety for the “next is what”? Lets take this example, if you had known what the match on the television would turn out like, you wouldn't be watching it, would you? The suspense keeps u going, makes you wait for the end. The “must see the end” keeps u awake till the wee hours of the morn and you don’t care if you feel sleepy. You stay awake to see your favorite team lift the cup, you cheer and hope that they do, but you also know for sure that you can never be sure. I suppose this is also the we human beings never stop loving, or more accurately, never stop trying to find love. Doesn’t matter how many bad failed relations we have had in our past, what does matter is the one right now, trying to make that work, loving someone, and being loved. Cause we all are blessed with that little thing in us, hope. And so we keep on hoping. hope to have a happy ending, hope to win the match.

So summing it up, if we hadn’t had the hope to bother with, maybe we wouldn’t have loved. If we hadn’t loved we would have never felt the need to make someone happy. If we never had felt that need we wouldn’t have had woken up early in the morning to make that special coffee for the special someone. If we didn’t have the need to make coffee, coffee would still have been a bean somewhere in some forgotten forest. And imagine where would have the whole human civilization be without coffee. Shudder to think about it.

I guess we really owe love a lot. It does heal the world (morning grouches are a serious issue).

Pothiker Opekha...

Bose achi .. bose dekhchi..

Keu hasche karur sathe, keu bolche kono kotha

Keu jache hete kono dur deshe, swopne bunche bhobishother byatha

Ami dekhci, ami o haschi

Karur hasir resh chuchche amay, karur golpo amay ghumer deshe nie jae

Kono pothiker opekhae roi achi, tomar opekhae bose achi..

Hobe ki na ei opekhar ses,

Hobe ki tomar dekha pawa,

Pele pore asbe ki tumi amar kache,

Dhorbe ki hath, debe ki bhorsha, ei bristir majhe…

Breathing My Last

Sad songs make me cry

Happy songs help the tears to dry,

In this world of hate and love

Is there peace between the beak of a dove?

Tell me my dear, tell me for once

This question  I have asked so many times

Is life after death the only hope for our love?

The dear cost, for our crimes?

Round and round we go:

In the never ending merry go round,

Delicate hands hold yours;

U keep on searching, waiting to be found.

Long story, cut short

No use of letting the apples rot,

The laugh and roses we shared

Were a bit more than just care.

Long ago, we said:

We won't let each other go.

Long hours have passed since

We let our love show.

It’s a merry go round baby!

Gentle hands waiting to touch yours,

Don’t be fooled by charms of words

The  broken heart will find no cure.

Did the undoable, sang the forgotten songs

Have mercy on me now, crown me with love thorns.

Strange desires kill, and you’re the One
Save me from this battle my love,
I breathe my last, in your arms.

A day in Her life

She unlocks the door and enters the house. "I am home", she says to herself,then adds,"Ma". No one replies. She knows no one will,cause there isn't anybody there except her. She keeps her file and purse on the dining table and walks to the kitchen. Humming a tune,she goes on to make herself a cup of tea. As the water boils,she munches a biscuit,lowers the heat n pours the tea in her cup. There's some left,but she empties the pot in the basin. Who's there to share it with, she thinks. She lights a cigarette and tries to make herself comfortable on a chair. She watches as the cigarette burns,eating away the paper,leaving behind ash and smoke. "How mother used to hate me for this",she wonders. But no point in thinking about that now. She finishes her tea and lights another cigarette. Ma was right, loneliness is a burden, and no one can stay alone forever. But it wasn't a choice. She never got the chance to make one. "It didn't work out, Ma, none of them worked",she whispers the words with a sigh. The empty house listens, but doesn't say anything. What can it say? What can anybody say? What is left to say? Nothing.

As she walks to her room,she remembers the late evenings from some long ago moments, when she used to hear the loud noise coming from the T.V in her parents' room, her dad always asking her to come and look at something thats on T.V, how mum used to ask about her day, sharing her gossip and time would rush past. That was then. This is now. And now there is nobody. The sudden stroke, two years back. took away from her the one person who mattered the most. After that it was just her and dad. But father couldn't take it for long. The blow was too much for him. So a year later, he waved his final goodbye too. He went to sleep and didn't wake up. Guess the dreams were just too good. The doctors said it was a natural death. Yeah,natural all right.

She stops herself, doesn't let her get absorbed by the memories. She changes and freshens up. Time for work. Need to plan for tomorrow's class. "Useless", she says to herself, "the kids won't even care." Still she sits with the planner but even after an hour, she finds herself unable to concentrate. She picks up the phone to call some friends, but decides not too. The pujas are near and it peak shopping time. They must all be busy. She puts the phone down and lies down on the bed. Big empty bare bed, just like the big empty house. No longer a home. She closes her eyes and waits for sleep to hug her. "Let me sleep," she thinks, "let the dreams take me. Let me be happy for sometime." Dreams have always been such sweet escape, but for her its but a reality. She rambles through the day, so that in the end, she can return to her own peaceful world, in her dreams, where no one has left her, and she can still smile without having to think. But tonight sleep cheats her. After trying and tossing on bed for an hour, she gives up.

Getting up, she walks to her cupboard an takes down a glass and a bottle of vodka and pours a glass for herself. Taking a drag from the cigarette,she sips the vodka, and all the while thinks about her doctor's word,"Stop drinking please, your body can't take anymore." She smiles, if the doc knew what her mind has to struggle through everyday, he may simply declare her dead.

She doesn't stop herself now. She lets the images and voices drown her. Yellow memories,worn because of time,engulfs her. Memories of forty long years and yet not long enough. It is never enough. The memories don't stop and the vodka level in the bottle gets lower and lower. The clock on the table ticks and time watches and goes as it always has.

Next day, the students wait for their English teacher, silently hoping she doesn't come. Cranky bitch,the call her. They listen to her shrieking the whole year, but with the pujas so near, they didn't want to take more of that now. They give a whoop of relief when they see the substitute teacher walk in. The third period passes with jokes,plans and many youthful dreams. No one misses the absent teacher, except a few, who still have to submit their projects. "Silly cow," one of them grumbles, "have to bring the heavy files tomorrow again." But the next day comes and goes, and the days after that, but the English teacher doesn't come. The substitute entertains the class, the plans and jokes don't stop, the students give their files to another teacher.

Last day of school, and then the holidays. The assembly hall buzzes with voices. The Principal calls for silence. He has an announcement to make. "With great sorrow," he begins, "I have to tell you all that your English teacher,Ms. Gupta, isn't among us anymore. She passed away last night. But her memory will remain with us forever. A moment of silence please, for her."

Ten minutes later,the students flood in their classrooms, hot in discussion about the sudden news. The teacher comes in and they all jump at her with their oh-my-god's and what-happened's. The teacher hushes the class and tells them that Ms. Gupta was very sick and didn't pull through. With that she stops the questions and begins her class.

Later when she enters the teachers' room,she finds the gossip buzzing there also. Everybody wants to point out their own speculations. "The drinking and smoking did that I am sure,"said one. "May be she had some disease we didn't know about. She always was the quiet type," says Mrs. Sinha, while she ties her hair. Mrs Ghosh joined," do u think she killed herself ?" This stirs the conversation a bit more, but Mrs. Shah stops them. "I was there," she says, "her maid found her and took her to the hospital. She was alive then, but her heart was too badly damaged. She died a few days later. The doctors declared a natural death."

Yeah naturally.

The Last Emotion

I stand at a place where i feel solitude is a state of normalcy. I close my eyes and darkness engulfs me. I open them but the darkness doesn't leave me still. The silence feels like a living,breathing entity,pulsating. My ears feel as if they might burst. I take a few moments to take bear of my surroundings. I look closely and see people around me like shadows,talking in low whispers,some just standing in silence while some i see are crying. I try to understand but can't. The shadows clear away and I see a woman. She's is hysterical,wailing like an animal. There's a man with her,trying to calm her down,but how can he? He himself is unable to stop his tears. It makes me sad,seeing them cry. I wonder what's wrong. I ask the man standing close by but he doesn't respond to me. He looks lost in his own thoughts. Strangely,it doesn't bother me.

I walk towards a room. I see this girl,standing near a showcase,holding a picture frame,weeping quietly. I stand behind her to take a look at the photo,and i see myself. Few moments of confusion and i think i hear a clap of thunder. Every sound in the room is becoming louder and louder,beyond anything i can imagine and i feel my ears will start to bleed. Its me. I can hear me saying. I shout "ITS ME". They are all here cause of me. That's my mother,with her,my father. That other guy,i try not to remember his name. And the girl,Srishti. The pills worked then, i realized,and a sad smile touches my lips.

I am free. I am alone,the way i wanted. I fixed my life and sealed my fate. The rest is their problem. Nobody can hurt me now,nobody can make me feel worthless. I feel no guilt,cause i know i would be worthless if i were alive. My life wasn't particularly necessary to the world,so who cares? I smile again,there's no sadness in it this time.

I see my mother enter the room and i feel a tight knot. Memories flood in. How beautiful she looked when i last saw her. She now looks old. Just old. I remember her laugh. Now i see her crying. She suddenly looks ugly. Too ugly for me to see,for me to remember her by.

I run from the room and try to get out of the house and i see the guy,so close that i can hear him breathing. I feel as if i have been bulldozed over. Looking at his eyes, i feel his soul his soul is in hell, its in such torment. I don't let myself look at them for long n try to rush past him,but then i hear his words, "What was the need? You know i loved you, i would have never left u alone. Ever." I stop and look at him again. It starts to get dark again. I can see forms dissolving into shadows once more. I raise my hand to touch him,hold him, but the darkness engulfs him and he disappears with the rest of everything that once was mine.

I am alone again. Again the dark,the silence,the solitude. But i feel something else too. I close my eyes and think about the face of the woman who was crying, for whom i wanted nothing else but only smiles. I think about the dead whispers, which could have been shrieks of laughter. I remember how numb the house felt. I hoped it would be a home of simple joys. I think about the guy,with his tears and his words. And i open my eyes.

As i drown in darkness and melt away into nothing i feel my last emotion. Regret.

What are friends for???

A very normal n yet weird question....there are some people in all of our lives..towards whom we owe nothing,still their one cry for help compels us to run to them n save them from whatever dire situation they are in...n vice-versa...how wonderfully strange this one relation is..u have a fight with ur parents,ur gf or bf dumps u,u get the sack from work or may be u just had a lousy day..u feel that u r the most lonely soul on the face of the earth..no one to care for u...n u try to snuggle in ur own self pity,brooding about life as it is..n here comes this creature from god knows where,slaps u at ur back n gives u a counter from his cig n starts bitching abt the next person crossing the street,all the time not bothering to ask what happened to u (its evident from the pained n sallow look on ur face) but just goes on chatting..u think what the hell it is..n its odd that u r not being asked abt ur problem...but it goes..the feeling..the uneasiness..watever that was uncomfortable,goes away...n ur left with a smile..a laugh..and a couple of good moments which u wil never probably remember..but they mattered the most then.....

Friends..7colors make a rainbow..they even make my desktop wallpaper...7 days make a week,7 days can ruin ur life..but these 7 letters..they don't do much..just help us to deal with whatever that is in life..it is as simple as that.. :)

For you, Mom

u held me tight when i felt weak
u helped me stand up again
n every time i was in a fix
u were there to take the blame

when bruised knees n broken toys
made me cry n i wouldn't eat
u made faces n kissed my wound
n made me laugh n pulled my cheek

as days passed by n nights became long
n i got caught up wit my work
n couldn't say hi,but just waved n smiled
while u stood there to wish me luck

when this heart first bled n i was lost
n i felt life creeping  away from me
u were there as my beacon of strength
n i pulled through with hope in me

i have been good but mostly bad
n don know how i deserve u
i wish there was something i cud do or say
n show how much u mean to me too

i imagined u would grey your hair
thinking about me night n day
but u look the same,as beautiful as then
n i smile cos i have no words to say

i know we will say good bye one day
cos everything good comes to an end
n i just wish with all my heart
when i begin new i find u again